I swear think wayyy too much

So the other day I decided to write a song, but not just any song but a song to special someone.
But within 5 mins into thinkin about my inspiration, I just blanked out. Honestly should I really waste my time write a song about this person?

I mean I'm not going to deny, when he's close I could almost feel it and my heart skips a beat...and I still can admit that when he smiles, no matter what mood I am in ...I instantly feel better...but who cares??
I mean, so what if he is the first person I talk to and the last person I usually speak to a night?
And it doesn't really mean much when he doesn't judge me on anything that I do or say or feel.
That's all logistical...not a biggie anyone can do that.

Honestly, just because a person is always there for you, doesn't mean he will always be there forever (but I know he isn't going anywhere no matter where our paths take us) .

In closing, it's really not a big deal to feel this way about anyone...it's almost sickening.

<3 but I def do enjoy him, and I am thankful for him too.

Just a thought

Ever had butterflies in your stomach?
A feeling so strong you can almost feel it. You love the way it feels but you don't wanna get hurt?
Yea, I love this feeling...it's cloud 9 if ya ask me.
I like the way it creeps up my spine and takes me by surprise.
BUUUUTTTTT, im scared of this feeling. I feeling so strong can drive me straight to the gutter.
If all fails, insecurities may escape...courage is delineate itself.
So I just have to lay low...I want to address it, but you become live bate when you do so.

Scheduling Conflicts

There are just some things that can't register in my head. Idk why, but I always find myself running into the same problems all the time.

1. Life. I swear, I have to have the worst luck when it comes to the concept of life. Not the actual living part, but the existing part.

2. Guy/BOYS/sPerm Donors...and all the dishonorable names they have. JUST MY LUCK THAT SAYS A LOT.

3. Pets, my avg pet lives at an average one year from birth, and that's probably because everyone in my house is a bitch ass.

Ya, I blog while on the bus too

Yea....I even blog when I am on the bus.

I just don't get it...I really don't understand,
why is it so hard to know what's going on in the mind of a man.

Lemme back track on some crack....
They are pretty loosey goosey
at first they play footsey, then wanna get gushy, then yur heart comes out stomped on and smushy.

Ya, if I could really figure what's going on in their minds, 9 times outta 10 I would probably consider being homosexual.
Because of the thought process of a man is this unique (or lack thereof) then I WOULDN'T want any parts of it.

"I thought I had him all figured out" That would be a nice thing to be able to repeat, but unfortunately, that's not the case.
It's really not the case at all, it's more like. OH SHIZZZNIT, i Sure as hell didn't see that coming.

You ever just stare into the eyes of man...and hope to see something favorable?
Ehhhh, that's for ppl who believe in hope. Lmao...I can't be one of those ppl, (my) heart is a bit fragile.

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt it so much harder on my end.
I might as well Bend Over Backwards...I mean either way your giving into this fantasy world you call love & hope.

But then, re-evaluate the different type of men that are out there.
There are the handsome players...the ugly players...the ones that are players in disguise...the "play on PLAYA 'ers" , the player of the year.
The wanna be players. AND THAT'S JUST ONE CATEGORY of the type of men there are.


I'm not gunna say I am completely a woman and I know what I want in a man...blah blah blah, that's all PISH POSH APPLESAUCE, DO ME A FAVOR AND GET LOST, WHILE YOUR AT IT DROP DEAD, EITHER THAT OR LOSE YOUR HEAD. If I knew what I wanted 100% in a guy, I wud 9 times out 10 be with him right now.
So don't ask what I look for in a guy, it's probably a cliche lie just so there is progression in the conversation,


LMAO I SWEAR I THINK ENTIRELY WAAAAAYYYYY TO MUCH,
chardline.

I felt like saying something soo...

Ambivalent emotions...ehhhh not my forte.
But they do get the best of me. How can one sit for a few long weeks picking rose petals saying "he loves me or he loves me no, he loves me, he loves me not"
Well Well Well, that's sounds like the story of my life.
You sit and think, am I making the right decision? Am I prolonging this a little too long?
You know that the emotions and feelings are there, but you don’t know how strong or unstrong.
Oh well, I believe this is what I Call life…LOVE IT OR HATE IT.

Why is it I am so conflicted?

I really never noticed how are it is being me.
Well, let me re-phrase that, I never noticed how hard it is being US.
Us meaning, me one being with three separately abilities to conquer one mind.
It obviously makes no sense to you, but in time IT WILL.
You see, I wake up everyone morning as person Chardline the sister.
I pay mortgages, I make breakfast, I watch my nephew, I try to blend with family picture, but even that's hard.
I don't have their sense of "sensibility" nor do I have their sense of "instability"
Coming home to house full of almost strangers it feels like and my only sanity is my cat (go figures). Love does
manifest itself in many ways, shapes and sizes but this love IDK it's a bit of a battle. Chardline the "sister/daughter/aunt/whomever I am to all the strangers in the home". EXHAUSTED.

Then there is Chardline the "overly academic , hard work driven individual"
I pretty much go to school and work everyday after being Chardline the "sister/daughter/aunt/whomever I am to all the strangers in the home."
This Chardline I have learned to love because I am showing room for personal growth and improvement that many of my co-workers (and ultimately the boss).
That's a mouthful, but unfortunately, I am always reminded that I am still Chardline the "sister/daughter/aunt/whomever I am to all the strangers in the home."
That's not something you can forget over night. It's only unfortunate because I don't know if I belong there.

Then lastly there is Chardline "whom is still finding herself." Life is an great journey that I don't plan on giving it up...or taking a way out. Time is too precious and relationships are being broken and mended everyday. I guess I am the most comfortable in my "IDK WHO I AM YET, BUT I WILL LET YOU KNOW" me. I like it, in fact I have to try and love it. After all, who else is gunner love it.

I guess I can continue embracing all three Chardline's in one. But sooner or later I'm going to have to choose.

Keep Reading...it can only get better from here on out, Chardline the sister/daughter/aunt/whomever I am to all the strangers in the home +++overly academic , hard work driven individual" +++++IDK WHO I AM YET, BUT I WILL LET YOU KNOW"

I remember writing this one day RIP KITTY

With your eyes that sliver in the night, The glistening noise in them instills in me fright, The fact that you won’t return to me tonight haunts my dreams.1 year old what, what a shame…The joy you brought to my life, now permanently maimed,I know some people think I am insane, but they didn’t know.Fury Paws, playful timesRunning outside shouldn’t have been a crime, leaving 5 young children behindSome tears couldn’t recompense the fine line between appearances vs. reality. Now your gone from this Earth seems to be your M.OI know it was a sudden yet abrupt way to go I’m guessing this is the way the story goes.Now that you are laid to rest, you can no longer have those leaching suckers on your breast :)

GOOD NIGHT OPHELIA

SUNRISE: 08/12/07SUNSET: 09/23/2008

Looking out the Window.

The feeling of red water running down my back, and the growing pains seems to re-rack.

Relay.

The tension on the streets, bodies lying on the floor like a slab of meat.

They say.

While a mother’s cry heard miles away, the murderer’s stench is here to stay.

Communicate.

A heart that ails can only see evil to prevail. And a child’s eyes full with hope for tomorrow, will yet again find out there’s another day of sorrow.

And we pray.

The extortionist comes out during the day, while the embezzlers’ fight to keep turf in dismay.

Articulate.

As the tension rises, life is full of surprises desensitized by the iniquities of life almost seems closer to blithe.

State.

“Desensitivity”…happens to some, accepted by most, uncanny phenomena by me.

Sometimes I fantasize about inanimate objects

As a mantra plays in the back of my mind: C, D, E, F, G, A, B.

Over and over and over till my insides feel good and ready to play.
I approach him in a soft medley, holding tight to my breathe for we were about to make magic. Approaching the bench with such grace and proximity, I’m eager, and I know he can tell.

I let all previous emotions go, for Keys will know what to do with those emotions before I even start.

I’m at his feet and before I knew it, I feel my hands make a connection. A connection never made before, almost like a cold sliver up my spine or rush of exhilaration.
My hand…makes the first stroke …feels like a thunderous roar as I move further down my hands control my mind and body. I gasp, and I grasp harder…then tunes start to arise in my head, into my ears, touching my soul.

I am now at ONE with Keys, and Keys is at one with me, such beautiful harmony I CAN FEEL HIM IN ME. We play till the sunrise, and then we surmise all my emotions that were so reluctant to reveal themselves. Again…I am at one with Keys and he is as one with me. As the mantra plays in the back of my mind…I think and say: No one can satisfy me like that Mr. Keys does.