My 2010 Revalations

I guess day 365 is just around the corner. I thought i'd be a bit more psyched...happy...but in all honesty, it'll feel just like day 366. This year I made "resolutions/bucket list" but, well that's the way this cookie crumbled. I would love to say I did everything I wanted to do or traveled everywhere I wanted to travel, but that wasn't the case. Instead I took a different route this year. Instead of me going into 2010, I let 2010 come to me. And let me tell ya. My heart got heavier everyday. I guess I have to say I am a firm believer in making yur own luck/destiny because to do it other wise, you are setting yourself up for defeat.

Things I've learned to accept about myself:

1. I am emotional. I've suppressed my emotions for too long that they leak thru every smile, frown, comment or action i make. And it's fine to be emotional. Emotions good or bad are a part of life. I'd rather experience these emotions then take them back. It took me a while to realize this but, it's me. If I am sad or happy, you'll know it. If I am angry for some odd reason, I won't show it. Oh well, maybe when I get these emotions in line...I'll be able to express them better.

i'll write on my feelings and hopes for 2011 when it hits :)

Guess What???

B4 you get your MOUMOUs in a bunch

A concept is: –noun


1. a general notion or idea; conception.

2. an idea of something formed by mentally combining all its characteristics or particulars; a construct.

3. a directly conceived or intuited object of thought (According to the dictionary )
 
THEREFORE TO CONCEPTUALIZE MEANS: TO PUT THOSE CONCEPT OR IDEAS INTO WORDS OR INTO A SIMPLER MEANING SO THAT EVERYONE CAN UNDERSTAND....OR YOU CAN REFER BACK TO the dictionary :
 
 verb (used with object)


1. to form into a concept; make a concept of
 
 

You probably guessed right...I'm back to THINKING TOO HARD...even LOS says so...that means it's true. But there is so much going on in my head. I have a visual of what's going on, but conceptualizing my visual...that's going to take some time. But after all, my life is an open book. Whether you'd like to read or not is up to you. Whether you agree or not...THAT'S STILL UP TO YOU. Cuz like Wes would say, "At the end of the Day you have to answer to YOURSELF".

"At the end of the Day you have to answer to yourself": That's once concept I have to grasp. I can admit it. I am so focused on looking to others for the answers and hoping to seek their approval, my little ole' me over here forgot to answer to ME...I FORGOT TO LOOK FOR MY SELF APPROVAL. I remember when facebook statusing *love my lingo???* "When is too much, TOO MUCH? Then Alicia Marie (SOMEONE I WILL SOON BLOG ABOUT BECAUSE I THINK SHE IS FLIPPIN AWESOME...considering how we've become amicable)...but anywho when I asked that question she said: "Too Much is TOO MUCH when you are interfering with the person you truly are." (Alicia Marie ---I swear she's brilliant) But it was like an Edison Light Bulb went off in my head SHOUTING AT ME EUREKA!!

Chardline Therese Felicity Chanel-Faiteau !!! What have you been doing??? OR HAVE YOU FORGOT ABOUT WHO YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU CAME FROM???

Seeking approval from others to gain companionship? Martine Anestine Chanel would slit your TWAT!

Ya, it's true Ma, I'm not too sure if I conceptualized this correctly, but I think this may be it. It takes a lot to admit that, but EVEN MORE to come to terms with that reality. I'm sure my feelings are genuine with each person in which I tried to make companionship with, but I feel as if I probably went the extra mile. But who knows...I've always been this way. It was always my natural disposition to be the nice...kind hearted person that I am. But maybe like Alicia Marie  said, maybe too much is TOO MUCH. I haven't really ever met a person as over the top going as me. It's creeps me out a bit (when on the inside looking out). I strive the happiness and acceptance of others, where I am not even sure if I have accepted myself.  Maybe my conceptualization is starting to come into place. So first off, I have to apologize to my lovely mother who has given me the tough love and told me to stop crying, but gives me her instant approval everyday because she knows I deserve it! Sorry Mommy, You raised me better then that.

#CruelestRealization huh? But, this is what being young is all about...living and learning. You seek all the satisfaction possible, and sometimes you get nothing in return. But I've come to learn that the best things in life come to you when you aren't looking for them. So I'll have to glue this post on my wall til it sinks in. Cuz it's the only way I'll be able to be happy with myself. Not this self procuring happiness that comes from satisfying others but the happiness that I can have without substance abuse, NOR trying to please anyone rather than myself. It is then I will find out what it means to have pure happiness.

Im not done thinking, but for today, I've reached my limit #YahEard?

Whether you like me, hate me or can't stand me...it won't really matter...I'll appreciate you, some more than others <3

Rolling Down Memory Lane...there's a distant smile

Rolling down memory lane, I observed a distant smile.

No, she was not 50 miles away from me...she was in front of me...but the "distance" in her smile was uncanny. She smiled with ease and glare. It was an instant snapshot. But she wasn't happy, NO, she wasn't  angered, NO...but she kept that smile on her face, as if this was the only thing she knew how to do. Her smile could effect change in anyone who glanced at it. It mesmerized. Not to give into Wonder and Awe nor Amazement, but instead it caused confusion.

A confusion that stood out amongst her friends. A smile that when you looked in her eyes, they glistened... maybe it was the ghost of her past or maybe it was a foreboding of the future...but she was only ever concerned with the present. But she continues to smile...it's all she knows.

If you ever asked her why does she not frown nor why does she not break...she couldn't answer...she'd only reply with a smile. Not devious nor mischievous, a subtle and serene smile. She was best at procuring so.

As lady lucky stood beside her,  she smiled...she smiled so arduously because it was like an angelic presence. She didn't know how to react, but she did what she did best...her fond smile. It was like she was destined to do so. There was no better feeling than her smiling. It was her comfort, her safety net, her whole being without reserve.

Give her a chance to smile once, she smile trice. She knew the meaning behind a smile...she felt the meaning behind a smile, she lusts for the feeling behind a smile. She never had a reason to frown...at least to the untrained eye. A grimace...

Infectious as her smile was, she never hid it. She saw beauty with each bone that she moved in her face. She saw it's brilliance and its quiescent that it portrayed. She never let go of the smile that she loathed the most.

Yes, she loathed her smile...she loathed that her smile because she could not portray her happiest retrospection. What she and all saw outward...she couldn't produce internally, but she keeps smiling.

"Most people would rather give than get affection.”

Hmmmm The title so seemingly fitting in my existence...yes my simple existence. This aspect of my life is slowly starting to catch up with me...regretably so. I CAN ADMIT...I am a people pleaser. But in my own way it's a guilty indulgence. The sight of someone's pure happiness through my actions gives me so much more than what I bargained for. SADISTIC AIN'T I? Not quite. "As we help others, we cannot help but help ourselves."

You cannot see your reflection in running water, only in still water.

"Time doesn't really stand still for anybody."  "Instead of counting time...let's make time count."

These two phrases don't apply to me...I want to embody them, but I'm not open to this concepts.
 You see, you want to fit everything you've ever dreamed of into a reality, so much so where you think time is stopping for you.

1. You wanna graduate by the time you are 22 years old...but time goes by and your institutionalized until your 25.

2. You want to seal the deal....SO MUCH SO...that b4 you've noticed, you've wasted so much time...and many opportunities slip by you.

3. You are on the brink of Menopause...you haven't found the time to sit and settled...and all you can do is dream about the fruit of your loins.

Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life. ~William Faulkner

Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, not slowly either, but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels and a hoarse roar of power or terror.  It's passing, yet I'm the one who's doing all the moving.


Time isn't something that you can seize for the day. Time, in actuality, has seized you.


---->I'm gonna stop thinking now.

Clarification for me and Me only....and my wife Stephanie lol

My lost post about Patrick Francisco could seem a lot misleading if your reading it out of context. My wife Stephanie Edouazin feels as if I'm not completely over him. It does seem hard for that to seem real, but it is true. She thinks it's hard cuz I mentioned all these remisincent moments but in reality...you never forget the good someone has done for you. No matter how much bad they've done. He's never done anything traumatic to me...I don't have the same appreciation for him.
Then she questions me: Well, why cut him off so abrubtly? ---> Cuz there was a strain in our friendship...it was being held by stringy things. I am all for salvaging friendships....but for relationships NOPE! Even though we never could pin point when we were together...we always felt that way. And that's reasonable when your 16yrs old and think you've fell in love lol.

Then to further grill me and her frekan (means bad self in Haitian Creole) she says: Well it's impossible for you to have feelings for *********(Disclosure act) and Have had so much push back with him in the back of your mind. HMMMMM That point would be more than valid if I STILL IF I HADN'T BEEN OVER HIM FOR A YEAR lol. I will cherish our friendship and time spent...but I can't dwell in the past...i got a present and future to look forward to.

So ya...makes sense....or doesn't....

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore." - Christopher Columbus

It's been a great 5 years hun. On March 23rd, 2005...our eyes locked and since then I was caught by tantalizing stare....virgin thighs swelling up...heart skipping beat by beat. Yes, the stories our tips of our fingers could share...and dreams our eyelids have witnessed. None short of a miracle. I was convinced it were you that I'd marry. Silly conviction being only 16 years old, but it was the most heartfelt conviction.
You were my biggest fan...the calm sober voice of reason through my nightmares...you were mine.

Even With your dumbo ears and chicken scracth writing...I always saw something more

When you came to Boston...my heart quivered with subtle relaxation. "The Man that has emotionally, spiritually, and physically kept me healthy happy, and whole." The only music I can hear is John Legend "Ordinary People"...as you played it note for note and sung it tune for tune...you performed so well. I was proud to say you were mine. Our distance was great...you in Maryland and me in Mass, it was almost impossible. But our communication was impeccable. If we wanted it to work, then it would work. Communication, a "tool" most have not been able to master...but stand strongly by it's ethical regard. We would laugh about  how we are so lucky because we had the same exact model phones and Phone Company...or else all our pocket change would go to Calling Cards...Plane Tickets and IM.
Communication is one thing we never lacked...I envied our communication in every relationship I tried to sustain from then on.

But now that communication has since dwindled. We have taken our separate paths to successes and failures that are much more than we thought we'd accomplish. My meager 1720 on my SAT vs your 2020 lol. You getting into all your schools...I only got into 3 that I couldn't afford. With every additive...our communication dwindled..and so did we. When were comfortable with telling each other about our love interests, it was a constant battle in saying "I don't think he or she is right for you" lol. We both knew who was right for each other. From time to time...whether we took each other's opinions you would always pop into my life when you broke up with your girlfriend. Conveniently so...if felt as if you mocked us. I stilll think you did till this day :/.

Softy---blah :)

Now I only think it's right that we take different paths. It's only right. Now that I've been able to utter your first and last name without once reminiscent thought, or hear Ordinary People without shivering...or look at cheap Sprint phones without wanting to text you...or see a Motorcycle without wanting to ride it...or look at a Piano and call you to say "Look what I just composed...and you'd laugh at my novice level talent -___-.
I feel confident in this move...and I hope you do too.  "How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.” I always wanted something more...something you couldn't deliver. Distance was never a barrier of the delivery either.

I've entered a point in my life where...my happiness DOESN'T depend on those who provide it to me, but to what I've made out of it. I won't sit here and be happy go lucky. But I've been feeling this way for the past year. It was always a battle, but this time I can say I conqured it. Patrick, our friendship has strained itself and I wanted to get this off my back as I go off into a world that will offer me a lot more than I could have ever imagined.
This means "Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."

Then so be it...Puppy Love as I would quote...but in 21 today and realizing Im turning 22 tomorrow...I think it's time I buried this hatchett and enjoy the people I have in my life now. They haven't walked out on me nor judged me nor mocked our friendship...they've been there for US. The person I've met now hasn't been the voice of reasoning, but he's been more than that...or as he says "Your being, your mojo, everything that is you is a beacon...a sight for eyes that have been long lost in the thick congested fog filled journey of life" I'm just going to go with the flow on this one...and hope for the best.

So here is my exit letter to you Patty Cakes...lol.
It's been real. I hope when you read this...you don't call me/ text/email/write/write me a song BUT...and let it reach a point of saturation. "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

So let's just live for today...and today only. God Bless you on your Endeavors and I will continue mine.
Our puzzle solved...and now it's time to start taking it apart. ---