As (Once a Figment of my Imagination) Transposes to a reality, brings me to tears.
Thoughts of how my past maybe entering my present.
He sits silently...as his shadow engulfs me. I am not scared nor angered by his presence, but I am bewildered.
He, a man, who had me by his very finger tips, as if a leash cast around my neck. I was once his servant.
He, a mere mortal with mortal feelings, I once revered as solitude from the darkness the world was perceived to me.
-an afterthought- My world only felt dark by his presence. I was all too confused by what his definition of love (sheltering me from all the bad out there) and my definition of Love (the feeling of security, while not inflicting the same pain from the "bad" out there." He was the bad out there... -end afterthought-.
So I invite him to sit with me, at least to explain why his precense lingered around my aura.
He admits, that in the past he was a horror. He had a lot of hardship with confirming his identity and with all that anger built up, he could only use me as his outlet. All his anger, sense of desparation, sadness, curiousity and control he exhibited thru his control over me.
-out of body experience thought-I never knew he was going through so much...so much pain and agony, and I couldn't tell. I just thought that he loved me, he'd take care of me, he was my solitude. He coulnd't show much emotion except for when he was mad. I thought that was his demeanor, and as long as I was "good to him" he'd be a little happier. -end of out of the body experience-
It must have taken him a lot to say that, for a moment I felt the hurt and pain in his eyes.
As he had heard from "the vine tree" that I am single, and that I was doing well for myself from the years of torment I endured because my thoughts were consumed by wondering if going back to him was viable.
I sustained from him, even though I knew where he had lived, what he was doing, every breathe he was taking.
Then he offered a seemingly sincere apology. I was hesitant to accept seeing that his circumstances where way past what I translated them to be. Then, I gave him the green go. I told him, it was alright. We go through things that we can't control and we act out. His face enlighted immediately! He was happy to hear that I was able to accept his apology, after all it's been over 5 years. He has a sense of control over me if I wasn't able to let it go.
With the environment of happiness procured from our convo, he thought he would be able to segway into a deeper convo.
"I would like to start over...maybe build back up into a relationship. I've changed...Im 26 years old, I don't have intentions of hurting you, I just feel as if I lost the best thing that's ever happened to me." Then he starts to name some qualities that I never would have acknowledged until now. "You are outgoing...daring, obidient ( -_-), insightful, non judgement...etc." Boy didn't I love to hear all of this stuff about me.
As happy as he seemed, my face remained still. I said NO.
He was confused, we had such a peaceful yet connect worthy conversation. And I explained:
I was nothing but a good person to you. I tried to be someone for you, but it's about time I am somebody for ME! As happy as I am for you, what you did to me in the past can and will never re-sufrace. You may have changed, but I have changed for the better. I've met people from different walks of life that showed me whether you are in a relationship or not, I'm always entitled to the best treatment. Furthermore, you may have heard that I was single, but I'm not lonely, I AM HAPPY. I happy to be who I am and where I am. I happy with my new train of thought, I am happy with my friends and family who expect more and the best for me. I happy with God who's made all this possible. God puts us through challenges, some more challenging than others. But, I've survived you sir, and I am happy.
Lastly, I told him that I've met someone. Not a boyfriend, not a toyfriend and not someone throwing gifts for my attention. But a good person, a person that with every stare and caress my heart is at ease. With every quirk and queef it makes, he makes me laugh. With every stroke and hold I feel comfort. Someone that weather we were only to last til tomorrow, or last a life time I will always set the bar for someone to come into my life that higher. Im being shown that I deserve as much respect, love and care as I put into it. I am being shown truth and faith.
He said then, " you lied." You are in a relationship...you have clearly in love. And because of Mr. X you won't see me.
Foolish man, you may be 26 yrs old, but you aren't wise. I am NOT in a relationship...and I won't see you because I know better. I know what is better for me. I feel better. I do have a lot of soul searching to do, and my journey to love doesn't stop here, but re-admitting you into my life will stop it.
Thoughts of how my past maybe entering my present.
He sits silently...as his shadow engulfs me. I am not scared nor angered by his presence, but I am bewildered.
He, a man, who had me by his very finger tips, as if a leash cast around my neck. I was once his servant.
He, a mere mortal with mortal feelings, I once revered as solitude from the darkness the world was perceived to me.
-an afterthought- My world only felt dark by his presence. I was all too confused by what his definition of love (sheltering me from all the bad out there) and my definition of Love (the feeling of security, while not inflicting the same pain from the "bad" out there." He was the bad out there... -end afterthought-.
So I invite him to sit with me, at least to explain why his precense lingered around my aura.
He admits, that in the past he was a horror. He had a lot of hardship with confirming his identity and with all that anger built up, he could only use me as his outlet. All his anger, sense of desparation, sadness, curiousity and control he exhibited thru his control over me.
-out of body experience thought-I never knew he was going through so much...so much pain and agony, and I couldn't tell. I just thought that he loved me, he'd take care of me, he was my solitude. He coulnd't show much emotion except for when he was mad. I thought that was his demeanor, and as long as I was "good to him" he'd be a little happier. -end of out of the body experience-
It must have taken him a lot to say that, for a moment I felt the hurt and pain in his eyes.
As he had heard from "the vine tree" that I am single, and that I was doing well for myself from the years of torment I endured because my thoughts were consumed by wondering if going back to him was viable.
I sustained from him, even though I knew where he had lived, what he was doing, every breathe he was taking.
Then he offered a seemingly sincere apology. I was hesitant to accept seeing that his circumstances where way past what I translated them to be. Then, I gave him the green go. I told him, it was alright. We go through things that we can't control and we act out. His face enlighted immediately! He was happy to hear that I was able to accept his apology, after all it's been over 5 years. He has a sense of control over me if I wasn't able to let it go.
With the environment of happiness procured from our convo, he thought he would be able to segway into a deeper convo.
"I would like to start over...maybe build back up into a relationship. I've changed...Im 26 years old, I don't have intentions of hurting you, I just feel as if I lost the best thing that's ever happened to me." Then he starts to name some qualities that I never would have acknowledged until now. "You are outgoing...daring, obidient ( -_-), insightful, non judgement...etc." Boy didn't I love to hear all of this stuff about me.
As happy as he seemed, my face remained still. I said NO.
He was confused, we had such a peaceful yet connect worthy conversation. And I explained:
I was nothing but a good person to you. I tried to be someone for you, but it's about time I am somebody for ME! As happy as I am for you, what you did to me in the past can and will never re-sufrace. You may have changed, but I have changed for the better. I've met people from different walks of life that showed me whether you are in a relationship or not, I'm always entitled to the best treatment. Furthermore, you may have heard that I was single, but I'm not lonely, I AM HAPPY. I happy to be who I am and where I am. I happy with my new train of thought, I am happy with my friends and family who expect more and the best for me. I happy with God who's made all this possible. God puts us through challenges, some more challenging than others. But, I've survived you sir, and I am happy.
Lastly, I told him that I've met someone. Not a boyfriend, not a toyfriend and not someone throwing gifts for my attention. But a good person, a person that with every stare and caress my heart is at ease. With every quirk and queef it makes, he makes me laugh. With every stroke and hold I feel comfort. Someone that weather we were only to last til tomorrow, or last a life time I will always set the bar for someone to come into my life that higher. Im being shown that I deserve as much respect, love and care as I put into it. I am being shown truth and faith.
He said then, " you lied." You are in a relationship...you have clearly in love. And because of Mr. X you won't see me.
Foolish man, you may be 26 yrs old, but you aren't wise. I am NOT in a relationship...and I won't see you because I know better. I know what is better for me. I feel better. I do have a lot of soul searching to do, and my journey to love doesn't stop here, but re-admitting you into my life will stop it.
