hmmmm

Rumor Mill LOL, ppl fall victim to it so easily. The more you entertain the bullshit, the more it'll effect you. The true test of character would be how you rise from the situation.

At times its those who are closest to you whom are those who start the rumors?? But why? There must be a sense of accomplishment that reveals its ugly head from doing this.

-5 days later-

Oh well, its a new day....new chapter n time to write a new book. Filled with personal accomplishments...surprises n I may be able to write my own love story ;).


Til then I'm about Induldge myself in some retail therapy!

With yourself

Have you ever felt like you were in a relationship with yourself? Not like "Imma do me" type of relationship but where everything you felt...said...made was for a person who physically existed but not emotionally? It's one of those concepts that don't make sense at first, but after rereading it you realize that its very real. Sending texts to a number without mirror perception...sex almost feels like masturbation...the slightest touch feels like Casper cold skin...staring into eyes without pupils all become to vivid...

Summer Plans

....summer has arrived and I don't have much of a game plan. May begins summer classes. Physics n Math #OhWhatJoy. But I guess on the days I'm not studying frantically, I can continue going to the gym every other day... Take scenic walks like I used to take with Akil...Arboretum...Millennium Park at Dusk...Every Beach that exist...Public Garden (Sober)...and discover new spots as well. Maybe I can discover my hidden jewels throughout Boston...or beyond.

So....

I wanna get nails done.

The Right People in your Life

What's in a best friend? Well, I can tell you what's not in one:

1. Two Faced
2. Tells your buisness to almost everyone without moral regard
3. Isn't happy for you when your are afforded oppurnuities that most would kill for.
4. That doesn't support you in your endeavors, especially when distance is required.
5. Doesn't drag you into muddy situations because they know it could possibly hurt you.
6. They wouldn't speal ill of you when they are mad, nor divuldge your secrets.
7. They are happy for you when you are happy.
8. They give you advise without bias.
9. They are always there for you no matter whom is involved in the equation.
10. They don't discriminate on whom my choice in friends are.
11. The jealousy card isn't even thrown down.
12. They aren't fake nor cordial "JUST BECAUSE"
13. If they have a problem, they talk it out with you, rather than telling the whole world your buisness.

I could go on and on about what a NON-BEST FRIEND would be, but some might take that to offense...and they should, the title of best friend doesn't go to someone who could embody any of these characteristics...but who am I to judge friendship, I just know that I love my best friends just the way they are:

LOVE YOU ALLLLLLLL

Caring and Understanding

Always there when you need em' without deceit

Even when nights are boring n lonely, they are up for a session of Selena!

And will push you to make the best decisions, that could benefit you and only you.

Shouler to cry on...lean on...and guidance!

: I'd love to continue living in this moment where memories compile...but I can't

: I'd love to continue living in this moment where memories compile...but I can't. The uncertainty is unbearable and it hurts at best. Sure it would be cool to climbs mountain or dive in seas...all of those adventures....that could be us. Sure we could attend a Hollywood screening or float off into space...ya that sounds like us. But it won't be us. Bathing in the past memories will leave a permanent stench that the notion of new memories won't be able to mask. Progression never equals digression and if this is progress I don't want any piece or whole of it. Sure I made my bed and I've slept in it way too long. I'm starting to get back aches...bed sores. Time for me to wake up and smell the realness cuz if this is what I'm bargaining for, then return it...back to a year ago when I was happy nothing phased me...now I'm all sprung in unrequited love like this man pays me.

Standards of beauty

Blogging Just to Blog

Well I am at liberty to blog when I choose but sometimes I have the worst case of writer's block. LOL. I want to compose my thoughts into words but it seems so hard. It's quite frustrating might I add. It's even more frustrating when you try and compose your thoughts into words and convey them to someone or importance like my boss...teacher...best friends..love interests etc. But it is thee most frustrating when I'm trying to explain my thoughts to myself. Just imagine not being able to understand your thoughts and emotions...its the worst. I feel sub par at best. I'm not easily angered or frustrated when it comes to forces beyond my control but when it comes to me understanding me...I feel like going ballistic. Hmmmm that was great venting. Well I'm gonna go try and break down my thoughts...I'm sure that I'll end up pulling out the little hairs I got left. Maybe I'll be able to share :)

Love is in the Air

So I'm in my cousin Erline's wedding and as the supportive cousin she has always been, she helped me realized that the things I feel that I've been yearning for isn't what I actually want nor Need. At first it was companionship #whooopDIdo.  But that'll only get me so far. What's companionship if its unrequited? Why go horse for someone that wouldn't do it for you? Your feelings and actions my dictate one thing but how they are received is crucial. Looking thru the history of relationships I've seen...mentored...and experienced, I've come to a conclusion what components of a relationship matter and which ones don't.  Concerning me, I would have been more than elated to be in love with my bestfriend. My bffl would know me inside and out. He'd know about my character development...my emotional flaws...my every last quirk...what makes me tick...what my values are...can tell when I'm bullshitting my emotions...my resting heart rate (ok I was Jus kidding bout That) but basically in a nutshell I would like to see if calamity were to fall on our relationship, at the end of the day I would still have my bestfriend :). That's why its most important to me to build strong friendship bases. It's not important that we have sex regularly or hold hands in public or claim me in public...or go on dates all time . That's minuscule and will not matter to me at the end of the day. But an honest friendship could take a relationship far. Anyways, here's to you Erline and Ashley check out their website.

Letting go of that echo

I'be come to notice that I hold onto what we have because I'm listening to the echo of the memories we've shared. Holding onto memories is a double edged sword. As happy as they have made me...I.should learn to leave memories in their moment. If not, I will be blinded by the shortcomings of the"here and now"

Blogger Blogger on the Screen...Tell me "WHERE HAVE I BEEN" nah mean?

Ya, welll the title may have been a bit on the cornball side, but I have been missing in action for a little bit. It's healthy to take some time to sort my thoughts...and to my amazement, IT DIDN'T WORK lol.

My head will explode soon with thoughts of shoulda, coulda wouldas.
But once I sort them out, i'll be golden.

Happy VdAY!

As (Once a Figment of my Imagination) Transposes to a reality, brings me to tears.















Thoughts of how my past maybe entering my present.






He sits silently...as his shadow engulfs me. I am not scared nor angered by his presence, but I am bewildered.









He, a man, who had me by his very finger tips, as if a leash cast around my neck. I was once his servant.



He, a mere mortal with mortal feelings, I once revered as solitude from the darkness the world was perceived to me.




-an afterthought- My world only felt dark by his presence. I was all too confused by what his definition of love (sheltering me from all the bad out there) and my definition of Love (the feeling of security, while not inflicting the same pain from the "bad" out there." He was the bad out there... -end afterthought-.




So I invite him to sit with me, at least to explain why his precense lingered around my aura.




He admits, that in the past he was a horror. He had a lot of hardship with confirming his identity and with all that anger built up, he could only use me as his outlet. All his anger, sense of desparation, sadness, curiousity and control he exhibited thru his control over me.


-out of body experience thought-I never knew he was going through so much...so much pain and agony, and I couldn't tell. I just thought that he loved me, he'd take care of me, he was my solitude. He coulnd't show much emotion except for when he was mad. I thought that was his demeanor, and as long as I was "good to him" he'd be a little happier. -end of out of the body experience-



It must have taken him a lot to say that, for a moment I felt the hurt and pain in his eyes.



As he had heard from "the vine tree" that I am single, and that I was doing well for myself from the years of torment I endured because my thoughts were consumed by wondering if going back to him was viable.



I sustained from him, even though I knew where he had lived, what he was doing, every breathe he was taking.



Then he offered a seemingly sincere apology. I was hesitant to accept seeing that his circumstances where way past what I translated them to be. Then, I gave him the green go. I told him, it was alright. We go through things that we can't control and we act out. His face enlighted immediately! He was happy to hear that I was able to accept his apology, after all it's been over 5 years. He has a sense of control over me if I wasn't able to let it go.

With the environment of happiness procured from our convo, he thought he would be able to segway into a deeper convo.

"I would like to start over...maybe build back up into a relationship. I've changed...Im 26 years old, I don't have intentions of hurting you, I just feel as if I lost the best thing that's ever happened to me." Then he starts to name some qualities that I never would have acknowledged until now. "You are outgoing...daring, obidient ( -_-), insightful, non judgement...etc." Boy didn't I love to hear all of this stuff about me.

As happy as he seemed, my face remained still. I said NO.
He was confused, we had such a peaceful yet connect worthy conversation. And I explained:

I was nothing but a good person to you. I tried to be someone for you, but it's about time I am somebody for ME! As happy as I am for you, what you did to me in the past can and will never re-sufrace. You may have changed, but I have changed for the better. I've met people from different walks of life that showed me whether you are in a relationship or not, I'm always entitled to the best treatment. Furthermore, you may have heard that I was single, but I'm not lonely, I AM HAPPY. I happy to be who I am and where I am. I happy with my new train of thought, I am happy with my friends and family who expect more and the best for me. I happy with God who's made all this possible. God puts us through challenges, some more challenging than others. But, I've survived you sir, and I am happy.

Lastly, I told him that I've met someone. Not a boyfriend, not a toyfriend and not someone throwing gifts for my attention. But a good person, a person that with every stare and caress my heart is at ease. With every quirk and queef it makes, he makes me laugh. With every stroke and hold I feel comfort. Someone that weather we were only to last til tomorrow, or last a life time I will always set the bar for someone to come into my life that higher. Im being shown that I deserve as much respect, love and care as I put into it. I am being shown truth and faith.

He said then, " you lied." You are in a relationship...you have clearly in love. And because of Mr. X you won't see me.
Foolish man, you may be 26 yrs old, but you aren't wise. I am NOT in a relationship...and I won't see you because I know better. I know what is better for me. I feel better. I do have a lot of soul searching to do, and my journey to love doesn't stop here, but re-admitting you into my life will stop it.

Searching...when It's right there

So on my spiritual journey/fast...I've encountered some praiseworthy findings.
One of them being that I'm really grumpy/tired/ full of BS when I don't eat for more than ten hours lol.
Secondly, I find myself starving...chasing almost affection. There's a difference between Affection and attention though...I had to clearly define them too.

Attention is wanting to be heard...seen...recognized as being you.
Affection the feeling of sensuality platonic and non, as being wholesome in nature to your counterparts.

But, through all of this discovery, i still end up nil. I try talking more...engaging more...even appeasing my mom to see if I can squeeze some outta her ---> NIENTE!

So, as I go through this journey, I am starving for this affection that only one person I THOUGHT would be able to quench....#negative.

But I started reading this book "Good to Me"  and it's a very Christian-Like spiritual book, with a Hint of Zane lol. The main Character, Charity "Cherry" Phillips, had a hard knock life. She's been hoping that God would fix her divorced marriage of 3 years, because as a Christian she believes that divorce isn't favorable, especially when kids are involved.
Therefore, she breaks down and cries as to why this love she has for her ex Emmitt, would build back and get fixed....but then she said a line that she quoted from the bible that spoke to me on every level possible! ---> Jesus is my husband, and that is more than enough for me today!

WOW!! THE RAY OF LIGHT SHOT THRU THE THICKNESS OF THE STORM....
There is one person that would be therefore me night and day...in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. Jesus. Why starve for affection when there is someone who loves me more than I can ever ask? He's that homeboy that never goes home like Roger...he won't stop until he know's you rest easy.

I know at one point, I'll receive that love and affection from another person who embodies all the qualities I love the most, but for right now I AM more than content because Jesus got my back :)
I feel as if my heart has so much devotion and courage, and strenght, and willingness to sacrifice and understanding and one day I want to share that with someone close to me, if not my boyfriend/husband, then my children..."My heart big but IT beat silent". But, I am sure Jesus got someone lined up for me. LIKE A GOOD HOMEBOY, JESUS IS THERE!
Shoutout to JESUS :)

Kayla..."OPENN YOUR BUTT" DELSOIN

Where do I start??
Tisk Tisk... you were my first black friend at Mount! I remember traveling with you to Ashmont just to get home! (You are probably laughing at me now because you know where I live and it was a force for me to go all the way over there lol). I remember the "Ebony Days"....but I had to let go, but you kept on trucking, funnily enough--> we made a full circle and we are right back to where we were, but only closer.


Love...Sweet Love

I know that I can call you, text you, tweet you, fbok you, EMAIL you, ANYTHING YOU if I ever needed you...near or far. You are literally a hop and a step away! You are my sister!! Not my maroon sweater sister, but my blood sister. You are one of the few people who can walk up into my house...no announcement...and drink beers with Michael and no one would question you! MI CASA ES SU CASA!

And convenietly enough, God saw that it was fit that you come back to Boston after being away from us for soooo long! I am so happy you are back with us. If there was a sisterhood of the traveling "something", you would be the sister that I share Tampons with LOL...KIDDING...lol..Gross visual, but you know what I mean!!

Thanks for always being the girl I can be on the phone with for HOURS NON END!! And you know that I am always here for you too. HAPPY BDAY BTW, we are gunna have a great weekend... :)

ENJOY US :

i love you  :)

Embracing...Respect...and LOVING ME!

I can NEVER HATE THIS GIRL!! ERICA "RICKY BLAZE" MOISE---->Na pale sou facebook!

idk Where to start lol! YOU ARE AMAZING!!!
Since day one I was pretty excited when I met you. Smile from ear to ear and very well spoken. #NOPE no HOODRAT OVER HERE!!!
I consider you my sister in the political world...philanthropic world....and in the faith.
I am happy God has placed you in my life. I couldn't say there was a better pairing.

Sleep over #HECKYA

If anyone knows ANYTHING about me, IT WOULD BE ERICA lol....
Remember this: (When AIM was popping)

es MOISE 18 [12:20 PM]: ooh


es MOISE 18 [12:20 PM]: am i interrupting?

es MOISE 18 [12:20 PM]: im sorry

CHARDLINE [12:20 PM]: yah....im jus making my own porn yah....im jus making my own porn

CHARDLINE [12:20 PM]: lolz nosah

#OnlyUS . Only we would have a casual conversation like this and see it as normal, and other's see it as WTF....YOU ARE CORNY LOL !!!

I only you will do well in the future...and regardless what ANYONE SAYS ABOUT YOU, I will always be on your side! We are sisters of the pouch united...they isn't a stronger bond!!!! I PROMISE!!!

i WOULD def like to Thank PATTY FOR SEEING THE POTENTIAL in both of us!!! I would also like to thank the MAYOR'SOFFICE for reuniting us (and IT FELT SO GOOOOD LOL) i love BABES!!!

Sleep over soon???



PS, THANKS FOR ALWAYS HAVING MY BACK!!



Did I ever tell you I lovvvvvveeeeeeee RICKY BLAZE?

Using only song titles from one artist, cleverly answer these questions:




Pick a band/artist: Ricky Blaze



1. Are you a male or female: Wifey



2. Describe yourself: I Feel Free



3. How do you feel about yourself: How mi Look



4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Cut Dem Off



5. Describe your current location: Around de Globe



6. Describe where you want to be: Brooklyn Rock



7. Your best friend(s) is/are: For Life



8. Your favorite color is: Cut de Checks (MONEYYYYY GREEENEEEN MONEY LOL)



9. You know that: I Just Love to Dance



10. What’s the weather like: Turn it up (Ft. Young Ak)



11. If your life was a television show what would it be called: Jolly My Baby



12. What is life to you: Just You and I



13. What is the best advice you have to give: Nah stop Dance



14. If you could change your name what would you change it to: Piece of Ting

Wow...Lemme Tell YA!

It looks as if my 2011 year started January 9 2011 at 5:30pm Sunday.  I am now realizing me new calling in life...I know now that by the grace of God, there is something "more" that I am entitiled to but I am masking it because of my sinful nature. At first, I was ashamed of my sinful nature, but now I've received comforting words from Nathaniel Eloi " God does not Condemn you for your sins" and after he said that I knew that God was a forgiving God. It was a beautiful feeling. My tears did not flow down my face in vain, I will continue to make way for deliverance.

Then yesterday I went to Abundant Life Church with Erica and I had my first break through. I pray to God that I have more. I don't want anything to hinder my relationship with God. I have a lot of work to do though...A lot nmore than I think I am ready for, but day by day I will be able to take this on.

I just had the urge to write :)

Hmmmm, I would be lying if I said I didn't care what others thought of me. Face it, you leave the house and you call yourself bummy while wearing your Sundays best. Oh well...whether  you choose to believe that you don't embody anything that I just said, just know that if it were up to me... I WOULD WALK OUT THE HOUSE NAKED EVERYDAY! Not cuz public nudity is an offense but because I'm most free and comfortable. Yes, I'm a #RebelWithoutACause

I'm not too sure as to why I embody this principle, but I guess when you live in a society where your reputation speaks a lot about you, from the stride in your walk....to tone in your "talk" you want to be on your A GAME.

I can't Vouch for myself and say that I've always been on my A GAME because I'm human... I'm susceptible to mistakes. Who isn't. Now I would say I wanna make New Years Resolutions but I won't cuz  self improvements take time and I don't want to wait to make self improvements...it's something I have to practice daily.

So here's a list of SELF IMPROVEMENTS that I want to accomplish:

1. I want to graduate with a JD (Law Degree) and MPA (Master's of Public Administration). I'm confident in my skills of attaining this goal.
2. I want to attain happiness on my own. I write and preach about it, but I have to be able to practice this myself. Relying on a specific feat or for someone to come into my life and give me the happiness I think I deserve doesn't sound too wise of me.
3. I want to build closer relationship with God. I AM SURE, FOR A FACT that he has an acting presence in my life. I may not be completely aware, but I know when I go to church and I start singing, I feel better. My troubles seem to be at bay and I feel awesome. There is no greater feeling then that feeling. 
4. I want to be more selective about whom I allow into my life. I seem to praise everyone that has entered my life...but they are they very poison that infiltrates the blood in my veins. I don't like to pass too much judgement, but I've been too accepting of those who come into my life.
5. I want to loose 90lbs. lmaooo THAT'S A LOT HUH??