"Most people would rather give than get affection.”

Hmmmm The title so seemingly fitting in my existence...yes my simple existence. This aspect of my life is slowly starting to catch up with me...regretably so. I CAN ADMIT...I am a people pleaser. But in my own way it's a guilty indulgence. The sight of someone's pure happiness through my actions gives me so much more than what I bargained for. SADISTIC AIN'T I? Not quite. "As we help others, we cannot help but help ourselves."

You cannot see your reflection in running water, only in still water.

"Time doesn't really stand still for anybody."  "Instead of counting time...let's make time count."

These two phrases don't apply to me...I want to embody them, but I'm not open to this concepts.
 You see, you want to fit everything you've ever dreamed of into a reality, so much so where you think time is stopping for you.

1. You wanna graduate by the time you are 22 years old...but time goes by and your institutionalized until your 25.

2. You want to seal the deal....SO MUCH SO...that b4 you've noticed, you've wasted so much time...and many opportunities slip by you.

3. You are on the brink of Menopause...you haven't found the time to sit and settled...and all you can do is dream about the fruit of your loins.

Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life. ~William Faulkner

Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, not slowly either, but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels and a hoarse roar of power or terror.  It's passing, yet I'm the one who's doing all the moving.


Time isn't something that you can seize for the day. Time, in actuality, has seized you.


---->I'm gonna stop thinking now.

Clarification for me and Me only....and my wife Stephanie lol

My lost post about Patrick Francisco could seem a lot misleading if your reading it out of context. My wife Stephanie Edouazin feels as if I'm not completely over him. It does seem hard for that to seem real, but it is true. She thinks it's hard cuz I mentioned all these remisincent moments but in reality...you never forget the good someone has done for you. No matter how much bad they've done. He's never done anything traumatic to me...I don't have the same appreciation for him.
Then she questions me: Well, why cut him off so abrubtly? ---> Cuz there was a strain in our friendship...it was being held by stringy things. I am all for salvaging friendships....but for relationships NOPE! Even though we never could pin point when we were together...we always felt that way. And that's reasonable when your 16yrs old and think you've fell in love lol.

Then to further grill me and her frekan (means bad self in Haitian Creole) she says: Well it's impossible for you to have feelings for *********(Disclosure act) and Have had so much push back with him in the back of your mind. HMMMMM That point would be more than valid if I STILL IF I HADN'T BEEN OVER HIM FOR A YEAR lol. I will cherish our friendship and time spent...but I can't dwell in the past...i got a present and future to look forward to.

So ya...makes sense....or doesn't....

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore." - Christopher Columbus

It's been a great 5 years hun. On March 23rd, 2005...our eyes locked and since then I was caught by tantalizing stare....virgin thighs swelling up...heart skipping beat by beat. Yes, the stories our tips of our fingers could share...and dreams our eyelids have witnessed. None short of a miracle. I was convinced it were you that I'd marry. Silly conviction being only 16 years old, but it was the most heartfelt conviction.
You were my biggest fan...the calm sober voice of reason through my nightmares...you were mine.

Even With your dumbo ears and chicken scracth writing...I always saw something more

When you came to Boston...my heart quivered with subtle relaxation. "The Man that has emotionally, spiritually, and physically kept me healthy happy, and whole." The only music I can hear is John Legend "Ordinary People"...as you played it note for note and sung it tune for tune...you performed so well. I was proud to say you were mine. Our distance was great...you in Maryland and me in Mass, it was almost impossible. But our communication was impeccable. If we wanted it to work, then it would work. Communication, a "tool" most have not been able to master...but stand strongly by it's ethical regard. We would laugh about  how we are so lucky because we had the same exact model phones and Phone Company...or else all our pocket change would go to Calling Cards...Plane Tickets and IM.
Communication is one thing we never lacked...I envied our communication in every relationship I tried to sustain from then on.

But now that communication has since dwindled. We have taken our separate paths to successes and failures that are much more than we thought we'd accomplish. My meager 1720 on my SAT vs your 2020 lol. You getting into all your schools...I only got into 3 that I couldn't afford. With every additive...our communication dwindled..and so did we. When were comfortable with telling each other about our love interests, it was a constant battle in saying "I don't think he or she is right for you" lol. We both knew who was right for each other. From time to time...whether we took each other's opinions you would always pop into my life when you broke up with your girlfriend. Conveniently so...if felt as if you mocked us. I stilll think you did till this day :/.

Softy---blah :)

Now I only think it's right that we take different paths. It's only right. Now that I've been able to utter your first and last name without once reminiscent thought, or hear Ordinary People without shivering...or look at cheap Sprint phones without wanting to text you...or see a Motorcycle without wanting to ride it...or look at a Piano and call you to say "Look what I just composed...and you'd laugh at my novice level talent -___-.
I feel confident in this move...and I hope you do too.  "How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.” I always wanted something more...something you couldn't deliver. Distance was never a barrier of the delivery either.

I've entered a point in my life where...my happiness DOESN'T depend on those who provide it to me, but to what I've made out of it. I won't sit here and be happy go lucky. But I've been feeling this way for the past year. It was always a battle, but this time I can say I conqured it. Patrick, our friendship has strained itself and I wanted to get this off my back as I go off into a world that will offer me a lot more than I could have ever imagined.
This means "Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."

Then so be it...Puppy Love as I would quote...but in 21 today and realizing Im turning 22 tomorrow...I think it's time I buried this hatchett and enjoy the people I have in my life now. They haven't walked out on me nor judged me nor mocked our friendship...they've been there for US. The person I've met now hasn't been the voice of reasoning, but he's been more than that...or as he says "Your being, your mojo, everything that is you is a beacon...a sight for eyes that have been long lost in the thick congested fog filled journey of life" I'm just going to go with the flow on this one...and hope for the best.

So here is my exit letter to you Patty Cakes...lol.
It's been real. I hope when you read this...you don't call me/ text/email/write/write me a song BUT...and let it reach a point of saturation. "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

So let's just live for today...and today only. God Bless you on your Endeavors and I will continue mine.
Our puzzle solved...and now it's time to start taking it apart. ---

My Phony Happiness entitles me to more than just a phony smile

Why does HAPPINESS have to be such an abstract concept?
Ya, a lot of people probably are saying: No, it's easy to be happy...whatever you enjoy should make you happy...therefore there isn't much complexity nor abstract 'ness' behind it.

WELL OBVIOUSLY (IN THE Antoine Dodson Voice )

 A lot of the things that make us happy aren't the healthiest...meaning the driving force of our happiness isn't conducive to a true happier you. For example...gateway drugs make people happy...but is that truly conducive to a happier you??? Hm mm i don't think so.

Drugs can only give us the illusion of being satisfied for moments at a time...it's truly an internal struggle that drug addicts have to overcome. But, there ya go...one way of being "happy" when the source to your happiness is harmful.

Another way happiness is often masked is when you are in a relationship with someone you claim to value and appreciate. NOT TO SAY THAT ALL RELATIONSHIPS HAVE A HINT OF PHONINESS but there a plenty relationships where the source of happiness is the very thing that can ultimately kill you.

"There was once a man who made me so happy! I would pray morning noon and night for God to protect him and guide him...he was my guiding light and strength.



Shout Outs to REY...he's a good man lol

Then  little by little I noticed the changes. The shift in the way he'd look at me...the tone in his voice frightened me...the touch of his once soft and warm feel; now cold as ice. I wondered what I COULD have done for this man to change...turn away and hurt me. I was convinced that his man was still making me happy, when ultimately the source of my "happiness" was pain and hurt. The change in his presence felt the a stench so close...lingering over my neck. This man that I loved...that I admired...that I called my best friend now was a man that would tantalize my nightmares. Yet I still was under the impression that I was in LOVE...and that he made me happy.

Silly me...i thought I hit the jackpot...but he drove me straight to the crackpot...and I buried myself in shame. The man I introduced to my friends...colleagues...associates and family was the same man I've grown to love and be happy with through each strike...each tantalizing nightmare...each slur he stroke down my back.

Yes, I thought I was happy...But I was dying inside for the joy that kills" ---Excerpt from my Life.

I'm in a specific road block in my life now. What is the source of my happiness?

Is it my friends...every weekend we chill and drink and have a great time  Gain deep conversations that can last a life time ?

Friends



Is it those who I call on the most when I'm inflicted with problems and they are there to console me?



Francine



Is it the man who've I grown fond of?



Wes



Is it my nephew...with one crack of a smile...he's always there to cheer me up.

I love you BABY ALEX...MY NEPHEW

In fact...all these add to my "happiness". The true source of my happiness can ONLY BE ME AND ME ONLY. In reality...everything that added to my happiness can one day take away that happiness. But me, only I can keep myself healthy n happy. The only true spark of happiness can start with my feelings of self made happiness. So don't ever say "he or she took away my happiness" because deep down inside...you make your own.

HappY me